I'm not cut out for Motherhood

I'm really not... cut out for motherhood, that is.  In fact, most days, I'm pretty dreadful at it.  Me, on my own.... I'm not winning any mother of the year awards.  Some women are naturally excellent mothers, they are blessed with that gift.... they do the mothering part almost effortlessly it seems. I do not possess this gift.

But, I love God. And I love His ways. And I adore that He has a purpose in everything, in every minute and seemingly pointless detail. And it makes me love Him even more when He reveals a piece of His purpose to us, in His perfect timing.

I may not possess a natural gift for mothering, but God knew that didn't matter.  It doesn't mean I just accept my shortcomings as "part of my personality" or use them as an excuse to not fulfill my role. I believe I need to always be willing to change and improve.  But, I do get to rely heavily on Christ to make it through each day.  And by that, I don't just mean "survive" the day, or "survive" this season of life with a bunch of little ones and another on the way.  I mean, I get to rely on Christ to help me thrive during this season, and every season of this life.

I love that God knew I would be challenged by having a big family. He knew I would need Him every day, every minute of every day.  He knew I would need my selfishness and impatience and tendency to get angry quickly and pride to be brought to the forefront and dealt with. He knew exactly which little lives to send to me, to mold me and grow me and bless me and soften me and challenge me and love me.  Four kids in a little over 4.5 years has been a whirlwind, and goodness, there have been some ugly days..... and I've shown my ugly, selfish heart more times than I can count or want to admit.  But, with baby #5 on the way, I can't help but be thankful for this messy life.... the good, the bad, and the ugly.... and I can't help but be thankful that God chose to use me once more to bring another life into this world. I get to depend on Him even more, as He asks for even more of my selfishness and pride and impatience to be dealt with and overcome by His love and grace. 

I really am not cut out for motherhood.  But this is the most precious (and gut-wrenching and HARD and mentally challenging and frustrating and OVERFLOWING with blessings) role God has asked of me so far in this life. And I pray my heart and mind and soul will always allow my Lord to use me however He sees fit.... never rationalizing or choosing the "safe" path. I am only safe when completely dependent on Him, my favorite and most peaceful place to be.

Parenting is HARD

This morning, as we were finishing some chores and getting ready to leave the house for an appointment with our chiropractor, all of the following transpired...
• RT (2.5 yrs old) took apart a multi-click pen for the umpteenth time, and spread the pieces all over my bed
• AI (11 months old) tipped over the dog's half-full large water bowl
• SJ (4 years old) had a crying fit because she wanted to be "all pinked up" with her outfit today and she couldn't find her other pink sandal before it was time to leave
• MK (5.5 years old) dressed herself and flawlessly got herself out the door and in the vehicle..... okay, that one was actually helpful. :)

There are some mornings I am exhausted before the day has really even started.  And some days, I have absolutely no patience at all..... and no patience = momma responds in anger.  Then feelings get hurt and momma feels horrible, followed by much apologizing and attempting to mend the damage done..... then a moment of weakness and lost patience again, and the vicious cycle repeats.  Please tell me anyone else can relate??!!

The Lord has used these kidlets of mine to do a number on my selfishness and pride.  I don't like to publicly admit these issues, but I can't stand fake.... so I'm keeping it real.  I have a real battle going on inside between my selfishness & pride and the Holy Spirit's guidance.  But, God has given me some nuggets of hope that help me fight this battle.  Here's 5 things God has shown me to help me with this parenting gig:

1)  These kiddos are not my possession.  We tend to use the words, "my, mine, ours" when we describe our children to someone else.  And it can be easy to forget that, while I am entrusted with the task of raising them (and teaching them and loving them and guiding them), they actually belong to God, and I would do right to see them as His creation, not my possession.  Possessions can bring out a reaction of control.... and a reaction of defense if those possessions reflect negatively on ourselves.  I often get frustrated with my kids when they aren't acting in a way I approve of (out of my control) - and even more so, when we are out in public.  However, when I view my children as God's - His creation and His possession - I free myself from the burden of worrying what others think when it comes to the children God has given me.... or from the idea that I must keep control.  It's a sweet place to be..... and one I'm still praying hard to return to often!  **I am not referring to discipline.  Discipline, in a teaching manner, is needed and beneficial and crucial.  But, lashing out because a kid is being a kid doesn't teach anyone anything.**

2)  If you are a follower of Christ, you know that He commands us to share the gospel to the ends of the earth.  Many believers feel they need to be "called" into mission work..... many know we are "on mission" every day of our life, right where we are.... only ending up in different geographical locations if God desires.  However, moms and dads, if all of your children- or even just one - is not saved, has not committed their life to Christ - you are living in a mission field 24/7!!!  So, God has impressed upon my heart to see my children for what they currently are - lost.  I have a captive audience of lost souls watching me and listening to me and learning from me every single day.  That is sobering.  If I was on a mission trip (long or short term) would I display anger and frustration and impatience..... or would I go to great lengths to display love and kindness and forgiveness and humbleness??  That is a convicting thought for me.

3)  We have all searched for THE parenting book, the one that would give us all the answers.  I'm proposing that this book has already been written..... the author is named God the Father, the title is His Holy Word, the Bible.  Seriously peeps, every single thing we will encounter or deal with has an answer in His Book.  How often am I seeking His guidance through His mighty Word?

4)  I recently heard a video pointing out the passage in Genesis where Satan has just tempted Eve and Adam, and they have been caught.  God essentially tells Satan that humans will hate him and he will hate them.  Here are the verses: Genesis 3:14-15  "The LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this, cursed are you more than all cattle, and more than every beast of the field; on your belly you will go, and dust you will eat All the days of your life; and I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; he shall bruise you on the head, and you shall bruise him on the heel."  It is biblical that we hate Satan.... that we hate sin.  So, the application of this is to direct our anger and frustration where it belongs - towards Satan, NOT at our kids.  Our children are born sinners, they will act like sinners... they will be sinners.  Hate the sin, direct the hate toward Satan.... teach the children with LOVE.  For me, it felt like a huge burden was lifted to realize it is okay to have anger in response to the sin - biblical in fact - but that anger needs directed at Satan, nowhere else.  (Really, this applies in every relationship).

5)  The final thing God has given me to cling to is that His transformation in my heart and mind starts NOW.  Even in the smallest way, the more I give Him the control with my heart and mind and reactions, the more He can do a mighty work.  I don't need to wait until "I've improved my behavior and then ask Him for help"..... right now, when I'm weak, this is when I let Him be strong and mold me.  God doesn't want what I think is a better version of myself, He wants the freedom to create the me HE needs to further His Kingdom and carry out His Will.  Again, it is freeing to give Him the task of molding and changing my heart....I just have to be willing and earnestly seeking Him (prayer, time in His Word, worship).

I know this was long, but I have needed to write this all down..... definitely for myself, maybe for someone else too.  Please share with me what God has shown you in your parenting journey!! God bless!