I'm really not... cut out for motherhood, that is. In fact, most days, I'm pretty dreadful at it. Me, on my own.... I'm not winning any mother of the year awards. Some women are naturally excellent mothers, they are blessed with that gift.... they do the mothering part almost effortlessly it seems. I do not possess this gift.
But, I love God. And I love His ways. And I adore that He has a purpose in everything, in every minute and seemingly pointless detail. And it makes me love Him even more when He reveals a piece of His purpose to us, in His perfect timing.
I may not possess a natural gift for mothering, but God knew that didn't matter. It doesn't mean I just accept my shortcomings as "part of my personality" or use them as an excuse to not fulfill my role. I believe I need to always be willing to change and improve. But, I do get to rely heavily on Christ to make it through each day. And by that, I don't just mean "survive" the day, or "survive" this season of life with a bunch of little ones and another on the way. I mean, I get to rely on Christ to help me thrive during this season, and every season of this life.
I love that God knew I would be challenged by having a big family. He knew I would need Him every day, every minute of every day. He knew I would need my selfishness and impatience and tendency to get angry quickly and pride to be brought to the forefront and dealt with. He knew exactly which little lives to send to me, to mold me and grow me and bless me and soften me and challenge me and love me. Four kids in a little over 4.5 years has been a whirlwind, and goodness, there have been some ugly days..... and I've shown my ugly, selfish heart more times than I can count or want to admit. But, with baby #5 on the way, I can't help but be thankful for this messy life.... the good, the bad, and the ugly.... and I can't help but be thankful that God chose to use me once more to bring another life into this world. I get to depend on Him even more, as He asks for even more of my selfishness and pride and impatience to be dealt with and overcome by His love and grace.
I really am not cut out for motherhood. But this is the most precious (and gut-wrenching and HARD and mentally challenging and frustrating and OVERFLOWING with blessings) role God has asked of me so far in this life. And I pray my heart and mind and soul will always allow my Lord to use me however He sees fit.... never rationalizing or choosing the "safe" path. I am only safe when completely dependent on Him, my favorite and most peaceful place to be.
But, I love God. And I love His ways. And I adore that He has a purpose in everything, in every minute and seemingly pointless detail. And it makes me love Him even more when He reveals a piece of His purpose to us, in His perfect timing.
I may not possess a natural gift for mothering, but God knew that didn't matter. It doesn't mean I just accept my shortcomings as "part of my personality" or use them as an excuse to not fulfill my role. I believe I need to always be willing to change and improve. But, I do get to rely heavily on Christ to make it through each day. And by that, I don't just mean "survive" the day, or "survive" this season of life with a bunch of little ones and another on the way. I mean, I get to rely on Christ to help me thrive during this season, and every season of this life.
I love that God knew I would be challenged by having a big family. He knew I would need Him every day, every minute of every day. He knew I would need my selfishness and impatience and tendency to get angry quickly and pride to be brought to the forefront and dealt with. He knew exactly which little lives to send to me, to mold me and grow me and bless me and soften me and challenge me and love me. Four kids in a little over 4.5 years has been a whirlwind, and goodness, there have been some ugly days..... and I've shown my ugly, selfish heart more times than I can count or want to admit. But, with baby #5 on the way, I can't help but be thankful for this messy life.... the good, the bad, and the ugly.... and I can't help but be thankful that God chose to use me once more to bring another life into this world. I get to depend on Him even more, as He asks for even more of my selfishness and pride and impatience to be dealt with and overcome by His love and grace.
I really am not cut out for motherhood. But this is the most precious (and gut-wrenching and HARD and mentally challenging and frustrating and OVERFLOWING with blessings) role God has asked of me so far in this life. And I pray my heart and mind and soul will always allow my Lord to use me however He sees fit.... never rationalizing or choosing the "safe" path. I am only safe when completely dependent on Him, my favorite and most peaceful place to be.
